What did the Elephant say when he saw the naked Man
"How does he pick-up Peanuts with
THAT!"
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Ten little piggies,
1 ass, 2 calfs,too many hares to count, 1 beaver, and 1 fish you can never
find.
A Biker's Occupation
Hunt'n and Fuck'n
When we ain't Fuck'n we're Hunt'n sump'n to Fuck
What's the difference between meat and fish? If you beat your fish,
it dies.
Why did the pervert cross the road? He couldn't get his dick out of the
chicken.
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A dino-sore-ass
What's green and smells like pork? Kermits finger
There were 2 Aggies going to write a term paper on how to take a horse
to water and make him drink. They had no luck in finding a horse so they
got a mule. So they took him to a tank and tried as they did they could
not get him to drink. One aggie said "I got an Idea. You hold his head
down and I will suck on his Butt and we will make him drink". Sure enough
the one aggie put the mules head in the water and the other one sucked.
After a while the aggie that was sucking looked around at the aggie hold
the mules head down. He said "Hey man let his head up a little all's I'm
getting is Mud".
Did you here about the Aggie that picked a 9 lb. Buger?
His Head Collasped !
What is a YANKEE?
Same as a Quickie but YOU Do it
by YOURSELF!
What do you call a Pretty Yankee Girl
A TOURIST!
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS:
"You don't know Jack Schitt"
Now you'll know the entire story!
Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt.
O.Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the
Kneedeep Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together
they roduced six children.
Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after
birth. Next came twin sons: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and the two daughters:
Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named
Bull Schitt.
In the mean time, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school drop out.
Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son,
Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens Brothers...
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt married a spicy number, Pesa Schitt, and they're
awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
So now that not only do you know Jack Schitt, but his
entire family as well!
Johnny
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed
by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need
a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing
this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked
into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his
room,took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself,
and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
10 reasons why Beer is Better than religion
1. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
2. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
5. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to
give it away.
6. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
his brand of Beer.
7. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
8. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a Beer.
10. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you
stop.
101 things not to say during sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (inthe No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned
this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're
antasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
oman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a
light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
64 ways to piss off a cop
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood
in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer
only goes to......
5. Touch him.
6. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8. Refer to him by his first name.
9. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10. When he says no, cry.
11. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice
way.
13. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself
on the hood.
14. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
15. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner
first"
16. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on
your fingers.
17. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's
the wrong name."
18. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just
ate the last one.
19. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please"
right when he says it.
20. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear
you!"
21. Trip and fall into him.
22. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with
his pen.
24. Chew on the pen, nervously.
25. Clean your ear with the pen.
26. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name
sounded familiar.....
28. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him
how the plumbing was.
29. Act like you are retarded.
30. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him,
quietly.
31. Or mumble to yourself.
32. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
33. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
34. Ask if they know how to make the donuts..
35. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
36. Ask if he watches Cops.
37. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38. Giggle if he did.
39. Talk to your hand.
40. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
41. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
42. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
43. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my
car, sir, the last cop got it.
44. Try to sell him your car.
45. Ask if you can buy his car.
46. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
47. Play with the siren.
48. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
51. Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
52. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
54. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
56. Turn your head and whistle.
57. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
58. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
59. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck
your thumb, and whine.
60. Ask if you can see his gun.
61. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see
if mine was bigger.
62. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
63. Tell him you like men in uniform.
64. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny is in the fourth grade. He comes home from school one day
with a note from the teacher. He gives the note to his mom who is a beautiful,
sexy, buxom woman. The note says, "Dear Mrs. Jones, Johnny seems confused
about the differences between boys and girls."
Mom reads the note and says, "Johnny, come with me." She takes him
to her bedroom and closes the door. After they are alone, she says, "Johnny,
take off my blouse." He does so with quivering hands. She says, "Now take
off my skirt." He does so. She says, "Now take off my bra." He does so
and is perspiring freely. She says, "Now take off my panties." He does
so and begins to whimper.
Mom raps him sharply across his ass and says, "Listen you little
shit, don't you ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
Little Johnny is having his first sex ed class when the teacher is
explaining about female parts. Just as she is about to get into male parts
the buzzer goes off. "Now class, before you go, I want you to find out
from your parents what a penis is." she says to the class.
Johnny goes up to his mother and asks her what a penis is. All flustered
she says to go ask your father. He asks his father the same question. His
father takes him aside, pulls down his fly and lets it hang out. Son, this
is a penis.
The next day in class, the teacher asks if anyone found out what
a penis is. Johnny's hand goes wailing through the air like there is no
tomorrow. Yes Johnny, tell us what a penis is.
Johnny steps up on his desk, pulls down his fly and lets it hang
out. Well, this is a cock, a penis is similar looking but is a few inches
shorter.
Beer Drinking Problems
Below are a list of typical
beer drinking problems, together with the root-cause problem
and a suggested solution.
Note: that this is only
a guide - your observations may vary.
(Drinking is not an exact science,
after all)
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:
Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to
buy you another beer
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is
wet.
FAULT:
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to ladies
room, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so
that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:
Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand nect to
nearest dog, complain about its house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get
someone to buy you another beer
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:
You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you
are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with flourescent
lights.
FAULT:
You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself
lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:
You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:
Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address
with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect
and textures.
FAULT:
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
THE BALLAD OF THE
BOBBIT HILLBILLIES
(sing to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")
Here’s a little story of a man named John
a poor ex-marine (with a little fraction gone),
it seems one night after gettin’ with the wife.
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
(Penis, that is)
(Rodeoed, Filletoed)
Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his
side,
and Lorena’s in the car takin’ Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
so she tossed him out the window as she rounded out
a bend.
(Curve, that is)
(Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
and they called out the hounds just to get his weenie
back.
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over
there"
to John Wayne’s Henry that was wavin’ in the air.
(Found, that is)
(By a fence, evidence)
Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long,
so a dick-doc said "Hey! I can fix your dong".
"A needle and a thread’s just the thing you’re gonna
need".
Then the world held its breath till they heard that
Johnny peed.
(Wizzed, that is)
(Stitched seam, straight stream)
Well he healed and he hardened, and he took his case
to court,
with a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up
short).
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
and his pecker was the only one they didn’t show on
tape!
(Video, that is)
(Unexposed, case closed)
Differences between good girls and bad girls.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say 'no'.
Bad girls say 'when?'
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